I'm sick to the point where I can't get out of bed so I would like to take this time to get everything out.

I don't want to put anyone out there so I'm gonna name allias.

Lady luv: she is one of my best friends.
She over emotional, selfish, a show off and many other things I don't have the energy to type. She got mad at me the other day because I was apparently neglecting her. But I'm sick and she knows that I'm sick and she doesn't call. She only texts me when she's talking about herself and she has yet to visit. I'm gonna keep my anger silent for now.

Lil brit: she is also a good friend
She very quiet and secluded but she's sneaky when it comes to hurting people. She's a bit of a brat and hate when people disagree with her irrespondsible actions. She fast and is very blunt about her sexual nature. Which makes her look like a whore. This is probably because of her low selfesteem and I want to help her when it comes to that. But I don't like her catty attempts to her me. Which makes me not want to help her.

Doubles: I love them to death.
They are never around and they never look for me. I sometimes think they're just way to busy for me. They are both very secretive to the point whewrew the lie to me. I don't like that but I guess there is no fixing that yet.

My sister is a selfish bitch. Sorry for the language but that's it.
I guess I'm way too weak to write about the others. I'm going to sleep.

I find it difficult to keep to myself at this moment. Expressing how you feel is very freeing. And at this moment i feel like an insensitive friend. Whats bad about it is i don't; I put a lot of effort into keeping my friendships strong which left my no time to work on myself. Now I'm inspired to do the things i rarely get to enjoying and I'm loving my life right now. However I am keeping a harsh secret from one of my ventures could terribly hurt one of my friends. This is one of those things only time can heal and i have to wait before i can let this out of my system.

I'm not an over sensitive person. So the guy doesn't like you. Will you please get over it and move on, i really don't want to hear about it everyday i see you. I don't look forward to this at all. Sorry young one but you'll survive. Doubles, I'm sorry but i can't stand your girl stuff. And if people don't tell you stuff maybe it's not them. Nope, it is very much you. It's just too much, fix it please. Lady love, i don't know what's wrong or why you're mad all the time. Or why you take it out on me all the time. What's funny is i can't really say this to any of them. I don't feel like facing what happens after.

My heart is beating so hard it slightly rocks me back and forth. It’s funny how my feelings are so easily hurt now but as I remember where I stand I’m hurt by it. I didn’t want to remember still I remember “2^nd to them”, “they love you last”. And is it true, is it really true? All my life I’ve felt this way so do I panic, act frantic…no. I try to take a breath but it hurts to breathe and it doesn’t help. My heart is still in pain, I’m in need of some other comfort. I do need to remember to wait but I don’t want to wait for disappointment. “If you found some other love l’d be hurt more than I am now”, I think to myself. So what shall I do; I have no friends to turn to or a family to talk to…I have no one but god himself. I know what he would say to me but do I listen …no. I know there may be more pain to come but I’m far too much in love to let go…

***suicide***

Hello , I'm Alcoholics Anonymous. I"m not exactly on alcohol but this is a place where I can be anonymous. Sometimes people need to go to a place where we can spill everything and be honest without having to tell people we know (that can be the hardest thing in the world). Here, I  don’t have to keep things bottled in my mind for it to torture forever and ever. And on that note I’ll begin this session .

This first entry is called Billie Jean is not my lover, which is also (of course) not about Billie Jean. This is something I’ve had to admit to myself before and I don’t know how I got through it the first time cause it’s not as easy as I thought it to be. I love some persons, people, humanbeings (i'm thinking of one specific one though) and I feel hurt at the fact that they care nothing for me. And there is also the possibility that they love someone else more than…or it's a fact (whatever you feel like calling it) . I just need to accept the fact that they may not love me the way I love them and I may be 2^nd to whatever love they think to breathe out. Still, I can’t be entirely hopeless; they could feel the same way one day. And if not someone else will love me even though it's not exactly the same. Whatever the future holds I can take the punches. I still want to try though. So these are my tactic’s.

1.       Be missed- But not too much, I don’t want to be forgotten.

2.       Be myself at all times but more understanding.

3.       Blunt honesty is good and bad so be wise about it-I don’t want to get myself in trouble for hurting people’s feelings but my honest opinions do matter. (but this is why I chill with guys, girls are way too sensitive)

 

So I only have three right now and they aren’t really bad idea’s. I’m pretty much saying “maybe they’ll love me for being myself and miss me enough to want me around”. Still it's kind of weird plotting this on my mom. Oh well.

 

Maybe it’s a good idea, maybe it isn’t; what do you think?