alcoholicsanon7

There's no telling what's going to happen

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 01:08:43 GMT

Things are so much different now. And I can honestly say I just have to let it be. I can't say that the terrible things that have happened in my life are my fault. But I can say I didn't go about fixing it correctly. I'm posting this because a part of me has died. And if I want something different to happen to help bring myself comfort then I have to do something else. Now I have to question... Is it worth changing my principles and my view on life? Should I stand here and throw away all my morals? No...but I'm not gonna stand here and do nothing. I type this here because I know at least someone is listening.

I'm sick

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 17:44:31 GMT

I'm sick to the point where I can't get out of bed so I would like to take this time to get everything out.

I don't want to put anyone out there so I'm gonna name allias.

Lady luv: she is one of my best friends.
She over emotional, selfish, a show off and many other things I don't have the energy to type. She got mad at me the other day because I was apparently neglecting her. But I'm sick and she knows that I'm sick and she doesn't call. She only texts me when she's talking about herself and she has yet to visit. I'm gonna keep my anger silent for now.

Lil brit: she is also a good friend
She very quiet and secluded but she's sneaky when it comes to hurting people. She's a bit of a brat and hate when people disagree with her irrespondsible actions. She fast and is very blunt about her sexual nature. Which makes her look like a whore. This is probably because of her low selfesteem and I want to help her when it comes to that. But I don't like her catty attempts to her me. Which makes me not want to help her.

Doubles: I love them to death.
They are never around and they never look for me. I sometimes think they're just way to busy for me. They are both very secretive to the point whewrew the lie to me. I don't like that but I guess there is no fixing that yet.

My sister is a selfish bitch. Sorry for the language but that's it.
I guess I'm way too weak to write about the others. I'm going to sleep.

You upset me

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 00:57:13 GMT

I think the hardest thing I will have to realize is the fact that I can never tell you and you will never know.

I don't need your criticism (they're not constructive) and your rude opinions. I have so much to say and I don't even feel like typing it.

A Sinner’s Desperation

Sat, 16 May 2009 16:42:48 GMT

As I lay me down to sleep

I bow before the lord and weep

Longing for an angels flight

I pray the lord will take my life

Hiding from this worldly lust

In thee lord I keep my trust

When evil whispers in my ears

I pray the lord will take my fears

When burdening this sinners eye

I pray thee show me Jesus die

And if I don’t forget your son

To heavens holy gates I come

Then let me die before I wake

And take my soul for heaven sake

But if I wake to see the sun

Lord, keep me safe till Jesus come

It's just that

Sat, 16 May 2009 04:29:36 GMT

Have you ever been so hurt that it left you angry. I think I've hit that point. I'm there.

My last goodbye

Tue, 12 May 2009 17:07:45 GMT

And I don't like to feel this way but I'm by myself in this situation. There are times when we must walk alone. Just to say a thousands feelings without one word. It's impossible. All good things must come to an end. Remember these moments with me or it will lose it's strength. Until the bitter sweet reunion.

...

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 03:03:35 GMT

I'm hurt right now. I don't know what I did, I feel like I changed everything too fast. I guess the real question is did i get what i wanted...

I don't believe any of you

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:07:19 GMT

I still have yet to realize my significance in other peoples lives. I don't see how I have an effect on other people but apparently I do. I guess I can understand how people don't always believe what qualities are said about them. I don't know how to feel about some people. It's a test of my honesty and I'm not one for lies. I will always say just enough for my comfort and I hope I don't always have to be this defensive. In hopes not to get questioned I still have to say how I feel... I can stop think about, wondering what your feeling. So I guess I'm avoiding saying I can't stop thinking about you. Wondering what you want from me or if we even have the same feelings. I guess I'm hoping we're on the same page. I just hope I'm not wrong about this but I need to know everything before I even trust myself to do the safe thing. I guess I'm paranoid. I don't want to disappoint anyone, I don't want to be pushed away by anyone. I guess I fear rejection. But I need to be free to do what I want. I guess I want my independence, now.....Hopefully I'll stop over thinking everything and just let it be. I need to spend my time wisely.

My days are very interesting

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 03:29:47 GMT

Every hint of this has a meaning, so creative that i can't believe my mind processed it. My sexuality was questioned again by ladylove and 1 of 2 faces. I hear it so much from them that i'm starting 2 believe myself. It almost feels as tho it's not me, like we're talking about someone else. Hm, maybe i don't believe this as much as i thought i did.

I want to be touched in 2 places. One is in the heart. It doesn't have to be just love. It could be the sheer gratitude of someones existence. I don't care, i want it to touch my heart. The next one is me. I need this physical connection. A time were i can let everything go and just...feel.

Which brings something else to my attention. She knows, and i can't believe she does. She'll never say it, she will for ever deny it. She will be upset if we discuss it. And i won't push her to, i'm far from it. But i can't believe she knows. This is best to be avoided from her.

I went to florida

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 01:55:52 GMT

It was the worst 5 day of my life. I wasted $200, the people i was with were very inconsiderate. I could barely have fun because people wanted to do other stuff. Who goes to a amusement park and doesn't want to ride the rides. That makes sense. (sarcasm) I had to share a bed and got hit and kicked. And they talked, that makes no sense i barely slept. I kept ending up sitting next to the teacher. He talks too much, his breath stinks and he doesn't seem to comprehend the definition of personal space. I had a really bad time.

I don't know what to feel right now

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 01:26:20 GMT

I can't control whats going to happen to me. I don't know how we're going to feel later. I can't put a price on tears and I can't continue to fear the worse happening to me. I can fix it by feeling this way now so I won't be surprised later. Do I have to feel this way alone? Who can I trust, who can I talk to? How can I put my feelings in words. I enjoy your company and you enjoy mine...i think. I would love it if you loved me too but if you don't I suppose I'll just have to let it be. I'm still hopeful though because I can't feel hopelessness. It's all I have.

...Friends are the family you choose. Family is the people you got stuck with.

I can't even believe this week. I really just need to be alone. Family and friends are the people that make life livable. But I'm so upset at both right now. My mom hates me because of my sister. I have just now realized that there is nothing that can be done to change this, I'm just not going to try anymore. My father i sick and poor for no reason. This makes me so angry. My brother is a thief and very inconsiderate. I have to live with them, but not for long. My friends are insensitive jerks. Doubles and the younger are just too immature. I can't stand it. There is nothing to smile about when i need to seriously talk to you. My cuddle lady is so mean to me for no reason at all. I just won't even bother with saying hi. Time can stuff it, he didn't have to say what he said or do what he did. It just wasn't the time for that.

Yes, i realized i didn't name people. But you don't know them it doesn't matter. But i just lost $500 dollars and people called me selfish. People are saying things about me to benefit themselves. My sister is very mean and noone is seeing it at all. "oh she's your sister, your over reacting". Thank you doubles. "Stop bitchin, just get over it". Thanks time, you really understand where i'm coming from.

I came home and cleaned. I gave up the $500 to help pay for stuff. I listen to everyone when they need me to. I'm doing the best i can in school even though my mom may never see that. I care about everyone around me and i have never felt so hurt by everyone. Maybe this wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't everyone. But i don't cry, not often and never this much. But i feel better now. I had to put my feelings somewhere so here they are.

Full in my heart (the best letter ever)

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 08:14:22 GMT

I love you. Come and take my hand. If I'm too far call me , I just want to feel you on the line. Take off you clothes, let me kiss away all your insecurity's. Hold me, let your heart beat next to mine. Look into my eyes, let me see who you are. Kiss me, you belong to me and I am yours. Don't walk away, it makes me cry. Love me no one else. Don't be selfish, I love you too. Come back to me so I can feel how much I love you. Don't forget me. Remember that spot on the back on my neck, kiss it before you go. Let me be the one to love you last so I can love you for the rest of our lives. And remember, you love me too much to let me go.

(i should use this in a monologue)

I'm not hiding

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:08:05 GMT

It's a new day and i'm loving every moment of it. I'm not afraid of what it take live my live that I want to live. I take full responsibillity over the things I do. This new found strength has made me believe in myself more than ever. I attack every problem in my life with the force of a thousand strong men with nothing to lose. Nothing will bring me down, not even the love i keep in my heart for those certain someones. It's a new day.

Interesting

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:38:19 GMT

I find it difficult to keep to myself at this moment. Expressing how you feel is very freeing. And at this moment i feel like an insensitive friend. Whats bad about it is i don't; I put a lot of effort into keeping my friendships strong which left my no time to work on myself. Now I'm inspired to do the things i rarely get to enjoying and I'm loving my life right now. However I am keeping a harsh secret from one of my ventures could terribly hurt one of my friends. This is one of those things only time can heal and i have to wait before i can let this out of my system.

I'm not an over sensitive person. So the guy doesn't like you. Will you please get over it and move on, i really don't want to hear about it everyday i see you. I don't look forward to this at all. Sorry young one but you'll survive. Doubles, I'm sorry but i can't stand your girl stuff. And if people don't tell you stuff maybe it's not them. Nope, it is very much you. It's just too much, fix it please. Lady love, i don't know what's wrong or why you're mad all the time. Or why you take it out on me all the time. What's funny is i can't really say this to any of them. I don't feel like facing what happens after.

Hurt at this moment alone, I know i should expect it.

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:42:32 GMT

My heart is beating so hard it slightly rocks me back and forth. It’s funny how my feelings are so easily hurt now but as I remember where I stand I’m hurt by it. I didn’t want to remember still I remember “2^nd to them”, “they love you last”. And is it true, is it really true? All my life I’ve felt this way so do I panic, act frantic…no. I try to take a breath but it hurts to breathe and it doesn’t help. My heart is still in pain, I’m in need of some other comfort. I do need to remember to wait but I don’t want to wait for disappointment. “If you found some other love l’d be hurt more than I am now”, I think to myself. So what shall I do; I have no friends to turn to or a family to talk to…I have no one but god himself. I know what he would say to me but do I listen …no. I know there may be more pain to come but I’m far too much in love to let go…

***suicide***

Have u ever had something to say

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 01:24:47 GMT

I have a lot of things to say to specifically one person but I know the possible consequences of telling them and I don't want to face them. I don't want to tell them but i do because i don't want to keep it to myself. Still i have to tell someone. Keeping stuff bottled in is always a bad thing. I need to talk to my friends.

At the same time, i shouldn't. Some of them, like the ones with the same face and the young kid. They just can't handle stuff.

Living hurts

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:37:04 GMT

It hurts more when you not loved in return...surprisingly these words make me feel better. And waiting to see what unfolds isn't such a bad idea. Still, i gotta leave this. I should be use to this by now, this has happened since birth. Maybe I'm being to vague. I'm talking about how unloved i am by the females in my family. I don't care sometimes but other times. Yea, other times.

Billie Jean is not my lover

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 09:41:57 GMT

Hello , I'm Alcoholics Anonymous. I"m not exactly on alcohol but this is a place where I can be anonymous. Sometimes people need to go to a place where we can spill everything and be honest without having to tell people we know (that can be the hardest thing in the world). Here, I don’t have to keep things bottled in my mind for it to torture forever and ever. And on that note I’ll begin this session .

This first entry is called Billie Jean is not my lover, which is also (of course) not about Billie Jean. This is something I’ve had to admit to myself before and I don’t know how I got through it the first time cause it’s not as easy as I thought it to be. I love some persons, people, humanbeings (i'm thinking of one specific one though) and I feel hurt at the fact that they care nothing for me. And there is also the possibility that they love someone else more than…or it's a fact (whatever you feel like calling it) . I just need to accept the fact that they may not love me the way I love them and I may be 2^nd to whatever love they think to breathe out. Still, I can’t be entirely hopeless; they could feel the same way one day. And if not someone else will love me even though it's not exactly the same. Whatever the future holds I can take the punches. I still want to try though. So these are my tactic’s.

1. Be missed- But not too much, I don’t want to be forgotten.

2. Be myself at all times but more understanding.

3. Blunt honesty is good and bad so be wise about it-I don’t want to get myself in trouble for hurting people’s feelings but my honest opinions do matter. (but this is why I chill with guys, girls are way too sensitive)

So I only have three right now and they aren’t really bad idea’s. I’m pretty much saying “maybe they’ll love me for being myself and miss me enough to want me around”. Still it's kind of weird plotting this on my mom. Oh well.

Maybe it’s a good idea, maybe it isn’t; what do you think?